New federal study linked to stimulus disbursement.
The Obama administration has linked some federal stimulus
money to environmental protections.
In a White House directive Tuesday, President Obama said that
up to 20% of federal stimulus dollars headed to U.S. communities could be
derailed, if local governments don't adhere to recommendations of a newly
released environmental study, linking humans to global warming.
The study was conducted by the Heleiological Independent
Planning Party- International (HIPPI), a green-minded think tank in Seattle.
They discovered that "Human emissions may be responsible for the fundamental
decline in air quality, as evidenced by the disproportionate amount of air
pollutants found in heavily populated areas."
The study makes a distinction between populated areas and
highly industrial area, citing that the overall air quality is equally bad.
This, they say, proves that humans not mechanical exhaust
may be to blame for global warming.
Humans produce a host of ill-favored toxins when they breathe,
and even more when they use the restroom. The study recommended that a limit be
put on breathing in metropolitan areas.
"If we want to continue to live on this planet, then we had
better start protecting it," said Juliet Scardopella, HIPPI activist and runway
model. "Every time we breathe in, we take something beautiful and corrupt it."
Scardopella refers to the study's finding that the CO2
released each time a human exhales is the sole perpetrator.
"Save tree death, limit your breath," Scardopella chanted
alongside supporters at a rally in Granada Hills.
The involvement by the White House has provided much steam
behind the environmental movement, especially since most small cities are
rushing to change their rules to make sure they receive stimulus money.
Santa Clarita has already instituted a ban on resident
breathing between the hours of 3:00 p.m.
and 6:00 p.m., peak breathing time in
Also, apparently targeting other forms of human toxins, the
city voted 3-2 in a special session to approve a tax on breaking wind.
The so called "toot-tax" fines residents $50 for each
breakage of wind, which will double during the no-breathing times. Special
scanners have been ordered and local Sheriff's deputies will have them
installed on six patrol cars.
"It's basically like an electronic nose," said Captain
Anthony La Berge, who has long pioneered environmental enforcement.
In honor of April Fool’s day, KHTS has crafted some of our
stories today. However, one story is NOT made up; it is actually a real story.
If you can figure out our “Weird But True” story from the
list below, you could be a winner!
Just email us at firstname.lastname@example.org 
and tell us what you think the REAL story is. If you answer correctly, you will
be entered into a drawing where we will give away three certificates to local
Make sure you include your contact information in the email, so we can let
you know if you’re a winner!