Creature Feature: The Final Showdown
As the season of spooks and haunts comes to a climax, the news team at KHTS did some investigative reporting to find out who or what is the superior Creature of the Dark.
As we embarked on this special research mission, we mulled over pages of research, history books, and even consulted experts from across the globe to come a valid conclusion.
To be fair, we invited an expert in the field of all things scary, Atom! Freeman, owner of Brave New World Comics, to judge our findings and get to the bottom of the grave, I mean case.
Before we reveal who was the winner of the great Halloween debate, here are the arguments made in favor of each creature.
Mummies by Jeremiah McDaniel:
While Werewolves may seem scary with their foaming mouths and ripping clothes, all it takes is one slap from Grandma's ringed hand to send these oversized puppies back to their kennel.
Zombies, ohhhh yeah, I'm afraid of a brain-dead corpse walking around with its arms raised. These guys are slow and cumbersome and all it takes is a little quarantine and they starve to death.
OK, vampires are a little scary with their fangs and ability to fly and I am a little jealous that all the girls like Hayden Christianson but come on, this is California - if you don't have a tan, you're nothing. Pale and pasty went out with powdered wigs and British rule.
What does that leave you with?
Mummies... feel that taste in your mouth when you say that, that's the fear already starting, is your mouth watering because you need a glass of water or because you don't know what's really coming in that crate you just ordered from EGYPT when you bought the surprise pyramid package on eBay.
Yeah, the shipping was unusually high. When you open it, be careful because you may be releasing the most powerful super-villain ever created.
Ask yourself what kills a mummy - can't think of anything? Well, neither can I.
In the movie "The Mummy," the only thing that sent Imhotep back to the spirit world was reciting ancient Egyptian text and I don't know about you, but I can't remember the last time someone broke out the stone tablets at a party and recited the Pharaohs' Legacy.
Mummies are super-human, fast and can summon any of the ancient creatures at will. Those scarab beetles devouring the flesh off a bone is scarier than Kirstie Alley at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Not to mention the biological warfare. These guys pack bacteria that brought the Middle Ages to its knees. I would pit my mummies in a fight against anything that you can throw at them, and hey, if they get hurt some Charmin ultra soft will do the trick in fixing them.
To view a brief history on the origins of mummies click here.
Zombies by Carol Rock: Zombies - you fear them, they don't fear you.
* Who wasn't scared to death by Night of the Living Dead? I can't hear the phrase "tastes like chicken" without seeing that zombie chomping on that disembodied arm.
* Zombies have their own dance - how many thousands of people did the "Thriller" this weekend to set a new world's record?
* Zombies have their own national organization, the Federal Vampire and Zombie Association. Seriously. We found it on the internet, and we know everything on the internet is true.
* The University of Florida has an emergency plan in place in case of zombie attack. (Oh wait, that's a story for "What Were They Thinking?")
* Other monsters see the world as a place to conquer, we see it as a big Hometown Buffet where we have a season pass.
* One simple bite and you're one of us.
* Zombies are unconcerned with personal hygiene - unlike vampires who must have staff, because they look too good for something that can't use mirrors - we can go on an unstoppable quest for food.
* Zombies never sleep, never get tired and are impervious to pain; they are immune to drugs, poison, gases, temperature extremes, high voltage, suffocation and drowning.
* Zombies can be dismembered and beheaded without dying; the only thing that kills a zombie is a head shot or being set on fire.
* We're slow and lumbering, but slow and steady wins the race
* And everybody knows - WE'RE GONNA GETCHA!
To view a brief history on the origins of Zombies click here.
Werewolves by Jon Dell:
Let's do this one by one; Mummies...are you serious? The best argument for these guys is that they can learn different ways to kill while they roam the planet for thousands of years. Have you ever tired to karate chop a wolf? You lose a hand. Plus, have you ever seen what your pet dog does to your toilet paper roll in the bathroom? Game over, Mummy dies.
Zombies: So far, the two benefits to Zombies are:
* They hunt in packs. Of course, wolves invented hunting in packs so there goes the numbers game.
* If Zombies had the ability to transfer their virus by blood or saliva (as was the case in "28 Days Later"), the werewolves would have quite a problem on their hands because they use their claws and teeth to kill. Still though, since Zombies are effectively the porta-john of the monster world, they lose "awesome" points, which are essential in living on in legend.
Vampires: Remember when being really pale and having a taste for humans was cool...oh that's right, it never was. Despite what film and literary hiccup we're currently enjoying, Vampires have always been the flamboyant cousin in the monster family. Smart, well spoken? Sure, but in an all-out kill-fest, vampires would over-think their strategies and eventually be overtaken by the more instinctual, blood-thirsty Werewolf. Don't let the whole "Vampires are already dead" talk fool you either...everything can be killed.
Just for good measure I will remind all interested parties that Werewolves may or may not be susceptible to silver bullets. Luckily modern science has provided us with Kevlar. Take that, wimps!
To view a brief history on the origins of Werewolves, click here.
Vampires by Lyle Wohlfarth:
Zombies are terrifying, relentless, and infinitely numerous, but they rely on infection to destroy the human race.
The vampire is already dead, so it's unclear whether it's even susceptible to infection. Perhaps its brains are no longer desirable as zombie fodder, and besides, if Simon Pegg survived the zombie apocalypse, I think a super-strong, fiendishly smart, and devilishly handsome vampire could hold his own as well.
As for our furry friend, though politicians would warn us otherwise, sometimes there are silver bullets, and they work quite well against werewolves. Even so, vampire v. werewolf makes for a pretty cool fight scene. The vampire is super strong and sometimes can morph into a wolf itself, so physically it's an even match. In the end, though, the
vampire's human intellect is gonna win out over this mindless rampaging beast.
Now, the mummy's powerful magic and arcane knowledge of the occult make him a cunning and dangerous foe. I think this one can go either way. Both are immortal undead revenants, both have unholy magical powers ... The vampire's kind of a night owl, but the mummy is totally out of his element in modern times. Maybe it's a wash.
But keep in mind, the mummy has been known to seek world domination, whereas the vampire depends on the human race for sustenance and is usually content to lurk in the shadows. So to preserve civilization as we know it, we've gotta root for the vampire.
To view a brief history on the origins of Vampires, click here.
After much deliberation, Atom! came to the conclusion that Zombies would be the ultimate winner in any fight. His decision was based on the fact that Zombies have sheer numbers and the ability to gain numbers with a simple bite. Mummies are slow and are few in numbers, Werewolves are easily controlled by Cesar Millian the Dog Whisperer ("Sit, Ubu, sit!), Vampires we ousted because of their physique and susceptibility to blood-borne pathogens.
A podcast of this fascinating debate is available by clicking here and listening to the newest version of "Something To Talk About."